John and I are leaving for vacation shortly but I wanted to post a quick update after our nurse education appointment. We were surprised on Wednesday to be told that I was to start on birth control immediately. So I will be on birth control for two weeks and then go in for an ultrasound to see when we can get started. Thanks for all of the support, it is so appreciated!

Here we go again.  That’s right everyone, IVF #3 (Lucky #3, right?) is upon us.  We have the nurse education class next week (You would think with me being a RN and having done this twice already I wouldn’t need another one of these) where we will order our meds and after that we go on a cruise for a week!!!  When we get back I anticipate that we will jump right in for Round 3.  I am oddly calm this time, I think because I have no expectations that it will work this time.  Please don’t get me wrong, I want it to, more than anything, but with two failed IVFs already, it becomes easier to expect that it wont work.  I remember after our first embryo transfer, the doctor said “I will see you in two weeks and you will be pregnant”…and when it didn’t work we were all stunned and devastated.  It was chalked up to be because half of our embryos were used for the egg freeze study.  After IVF #2 didn’t work, the doctor wasn’t really sure what went wrong, but assumes it was because of the change in medications and maybe lupron wasn’t the way to go for me.  So for try #3 I think we are going back to the original protocol with extra estrogen support this time around to see what will happen.  My fingers are crossed, my prayers are said and I am ready for this.  Please, please, please let it be our turn!

I had to share after making my first post.  As I submitted my first post, I could not stop thinking about my second thought and my patience.  I pulled up a web browser and search for ‘Infertility Prayer’ thinking others might have done the same.  I am humbled to share these with you from Hannah’s Prayer Ministry, Beliefnet, and Fertilitycommunity.com.

St. David’s Infertility Prayer

Thank you, Lord for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

‘I Give This Up to You’

Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don’t want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don’t want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.

Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband’s (wive’s) will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
Amen

And for you ladies:

The Infertile Patient’s Prayer and Infertility

Lord, Give me Strength…

• To keep my cool when another period starts.
• To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
• To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
• To endure my sister-in-law’s comments about toilet training.
• To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
• To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can’t remember my name.
• To make the right decision about treatment.
• To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

It’s helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. ” God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Infertility is…

• Watching your husband playing with your friend’s baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
• Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you’ve had.
• Avoiding people you haven’t seen for a long time because you don’t want to hear the question, “Do you have any kids yet?”.
• Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
• Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
• Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because “you don’t have any kids to worry about”.
• Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
• Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
• Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, “Why don’t you adopt?” Easy, right?
• Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can’t handle the situation at that moment.

© Dr. Aniruddha Malpani and Dr. Anjali Malpani www.drmalpani.com

Credits: How to Have a Baby: Overcoming Infertility

Hi everyone, it’s John.  In the past I have enjoyed reading Caroline’s posts and keep to myself.  Lately I thought about keeping my own area for comments and thoughts, but decided that since this blog is about us I would  post here from time to time when I have something to say. 

Bragging about Pea #1

Caroline is a wonderful spouse.   Her love is unconditional, and she has never blamed or made me feel inadequate when I do am quick to blame myself.  She is strong when I am weak and don’t think I can go on.

I struggle to deal with the thought that we have not started our family because of my infertility problems. 

I try not to show emotions while she wears her heart on her sleeve.  I try to be strong for her when in reality she has been my rock. 

I feel guilty that my participation in the process is minimal since the cause is mine; I give a sample in a cup, stick her with needles, and sit in the waiting room and pray she will be OK.  She endures the pain, suffering, and all of the negative things that come with IVF.   

I choke up when I find out a friend or co-worker is expecting because I have to tell her that someone else is moving on while we are frozen in time. 

I have made her the promise that we will have children one day, whether though IVF, adoption, or the promise of a house full of dogs and world travel if all else fails.

Each day I wake up next to her I feel blessed that she is mine and that she knows that I’m faithfully hers. 

First Thought

Fertile Life Lines has a pre-scripted letter that can be sent your Legislators and Employer if you do not live in one of the 15 states that require insurance plans to offer infertility insurance or provide coverage in an attempt to advocate for change.  I feel that if insurance companies will pay and the government will take my tax money to care for families that can have as many kids as possible, they should give every one of us a shot to at least have one.  While I appreciate the tax breaks that we get for running ourselves into debt to pay for the procedures, they can certainly do better.

Second Thought

Raised in a Christian home, I grew up in a family that was built on the principle of keeping our faith despite the challenges we face.  Caroline and I have been blessed, when it seems like our burdens are too great we are rejuvenated by the outpouring of love and support received from family, friends, and strangers. If Job can stay faithful through his troubles, I feel if infertility is my test then I will do my best to stay faithful and strong.  I refuse to believe that we are arrogant because we are seeking assistance.  I struggle with keeping my faith each day, if I had a dollar for every time someone said “it is not in your time but His time” I would probably have enough money to pay for an IVF round.  I appreciate the lesson in patience, but would also love to have my prayers answered.

Until Next Time     

If nothing else thank you for taking the time to listen read, I will come back to write more and try keep posting. 

Valentines Day is a very special day for us not just because it is Valentines Day, but because it is also our wedding anniversary. This year we celebrate 8 years of our wonderful marriage. I am so grateful for my amazing husband and this life we have made together. Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

PS…to my amazing Tumblr Buddy, the gift you sent arrived this afternoon, thank you so so so much! I will give it its own post tomorrow!

notbornwithenoughmiddlefingers:

I need to find more people to follow since in the 6 months that I have been on tumblr just about all of my infertile buddies are onto their pregnancy blogs spamming babies all over my &%$#

Is there anyone left out there like me?

Hello?

Me! Almost 3.5 years

We are slowly making plans for IVF #3.  We are going on a cruise in May and hoping to start again after that.  The saline ultrasound continues to be the worst part of the process but thankfully still remains clear.  The only other thing we have to do in preparation is go to an education class.  Sometimes I want to ask the doctor why they make us do this every time.  I am a nurse, we have done this twice already, I think I have a pretty good clue about giving myself injections and how to mix the drugs…whatever, if it will work and finally get me pregnant, I will do whatever they want.  Now I just have to remain patient until May (although I must say, it has been nice not having IVF and infertility rule my world the last few months!).  I am so happy for those of you who have finally gotten your positive and hope that you all have a healthy easy pregnancy!

I apologize for not posting this sooner, but between me being terribly sick the last few days and Christmas, I haven’t had an opportunity prior to now.

Have I mentioned that my Tumblr Buddy is amazing?  My package included an amazing Philosophy gift set (Marshmallows for Toasting), a Rudolph Lip Balm, Archer Farms Smores mix (not pictured because we ripped it open before I could take the picture!), Mrs. Fields Cookie Dough Delights, a Nerds Rope, Essie Nail Polish, and tennis balls for the pups (Macy loves them as evidenced by the picture below). 

Thank you again so much Tumblr Buddy, I am enjoying my package more than you know.  I hope you have had a Merry Christmas and that 2012 brings you everything you hope for. 

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope 2012 brings lots of wishes come true for those of us still waiting!